For this column I’ve sought for inspiration extensively but found absolutely none. But since I signed up for this job I get no money for, I have to deliver. So I decided to dedicate one full night of my precious 12 hours a day of tellytime to analyze some of the current commercials I’ll come across. Got my bottle of wine and my bag of Special Limited Edition Supreme Sweet&Salty Thai Chili Chicken flavored popcorn ready, so here I go:

Suits/C&A: If Jan Smits’ acting in this commercial is anything close to the upcoming movie he’s featured in, -Het Bombardement- then better shoot me now before I accidently watch the trailer.

Bol.com/ Takelauto: When I’m all grown up, I want that little bunch off cuteness to be my son. And I will buy him a Takelauto every Sinterklaas just to hear him say: “Takelaauuuwtoooww! Mama!! Takelaauuuwtoooww”. Love the ad, love the kid.

David Hasselhoff/Miljoenenspel Lottery: The Hoff playing the forgotten star that he is. Mr. David Hasselhoff is known for his addiction to Hamburgers and other German Folk Music. This concept is not something new. All current Hollywood losers have been granted a second chance in life by acting in a Dutch Ad campaign. I’ll name some of them:

  • Charlie Sheen in Bavaria 0.0%: Known for winning the price for alcohol,- drug,- and twin abuse.
  • Mickey Rourke in Bavaria 0.0%: Known for his addiction to botox and protein rich fish.

When will David Caruso appear? I would suggest him for a new ALEX campaign.

“Ah-lex?

You know what this means?

Gingers DO have souls! Aaah-lex?!”

Andrélon/Anti-Dandruff for men: A guy suffering from dandruff is scared to move because he’d shed and spread his scalp-snow and therefore misses a goal-bound ball. And then!!! Oh. My. God. Did his teammate actually SAY THAT? What is this world coming to when they use an offensive word like this in a shampoo-ad?! ‘Pannenkoek’?! How dare they. You just killed my grandpaps, you bastards.

Albert Heijn/Route 99: I will NEVER say ANYTHING negative about ANY commercial that features my dream-daddy Harry Piekema.

L’Oréal Mascara/Eva Longoria: Fuck me! My eyelashes clearly have Down syndrome and I have to do multiple cheery cartwheels because I found a boyfriend after all. Reality check! I don’t have the right to even be running around in public like this. Also, my pores are HUGE! And I’m fat.

Plus/Gratis Brood: “A Goth chick, an obvious gay black man named Edgar, a ‘funny’ fatty and a sweet girl next door will cover all of our prospects!” they must have thought. Awesomely ignorant. (Did you see the one where they’d put the black dude on a banana boat? WTF?!?! Fucking Classic!)

Nespresso: Oh Mr. Clooney, you’re so vain. You probably think this column is about you. Don’t you. Don’t you.

Ok, well, got to go to bed now. The bottle is well empty and all that is left in the snack-bag are unpopped dentist-bills. I wish you all a good night of illegally downloaded movies.